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Ten Types of People to Love [or not] on Valentine’s Day

We’ve all seen these people. Been these people.

The Cynic

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This person doesn’t believe in love, or at least that’s what their Twitter bio says. You may be dealing with a cynic if they run into the Duane Reade candy aisle, shout “Valentine’s Day and American consumerism: which is the symptom and which the disease?” before running out and punching a stranger. The cynic will either spend their Valentine’s Day rigorously maintaining their normal routine and making sure everyone knows it, or they will stuff their faces with cheap chocolate and wine to fill their inner void. Both courses of action end in broken sobs at 4 am.

The Bringer-of-Chocolate-and-Wine

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This person [SINGLE] is armed with an arsenal of Ferrero Rocher, Hersheys, and $10 wine. Why didn’t they wait until day-after-discounts? Because treat yoself. That’s why.

The “Single but Wouldn’t mind Mingling”

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Feeling independent and not care about the whole Valentine’s Day capitalistic, I-will-show-you-how-much-you-mean-to-me-only-on-one-specific-day holiday. But, still has one eye open for a potential anything to happen, and wouldn’t necessarily turn down someone who may catch their eye.

The “Galentines” 

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Who needs significant others. We have each OTHER!

The “Must Find Date Before Valentine’s Day”

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This person is better known as the Tinder Bounty Hunter. Somewhere between February 6th and February 12th, they will relentlessly swipe right and left in a desperate attempt to find a Valetine to engage in coitus  to spend a romantic day with. Number will be deleted on February 15th after a halfhearted ‘u up?’ text.

The ALL OUT

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HEART SUNGLASSES! PINK CLOTHING! HANDMADE CHOCOLATE FOR EVERYONE! AESTHETIC! You either love or hate this person. They go all out on other holidays, too.

The PDA Couple

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They are in each other’s business before lunchtime. Songs for these couples include “PDA” by John Legend, “Love in this Club” by Usher, “Touch My Body” by Mariah Carey with a little “Smack That” by Akon sprinkled on top. This is not the couple that steals kisses and smiles with their noses pressed together. This is the couple who is attempting to merge into one being on a bench in  Central Park. This is the couple that other couples cringe at. One wonders if they bottle all their affection up for this one day each year and spend the other 364 staring at each other from a distance.

The “Worried-About-Judgement- Couple”

Don’t hold hands. Don’t talk to each other. Don’t smile at each other. Don’t wear matching clothes. Hell actually just walk on opposite sides of the street. Don’t speak until February 15th. We can’t piss off the Single’s Awareness Day people!

The Matchmaker

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They’re always trying to set people up and are probably in a long-term relationship. Like their friends are Sims. Says that Kevin and George would make a good couple but doesn’t know they broke up two days prior. 

The Narcissus

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Is probably friends with Tinder Bounty Hunter. Really angry that he was “friend-zoned” because he’s a “nice guy.”

This was a collaborative effort from several members of Barnard Bite.  

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